NOBODY Expects an Aikido-L War!
From: Jun Akiyama
On Mon, 6 Mar 2000 DDBunnell@AOL.COM wrote:
> There are many definitions of prejudice in the dictionary but the one
> that I feel fits the tone of this thread is: An irrational attitude of
> hostility directed against an individual, a group. a race, or their
> supposed charactoristics.
[JARRING CHORD]
[The door flies open and Yudansha Clausen of Norway, flanked by two junior yudansha. Yudansha Vasilev has a rubber chicken in his hand. Yudansha Akiyama is just Yudansha Akiyama.]
Clausen: NOBODY expects an Aikido-L War! Our chief subject is Stevel Seagal. Steven Seagal and gun control. Gun control and Steven Seagal. Our two subjects are gun control and Steven Seagal... and bigotry. Our _three_ subjects are fun control, Steven Seagal, and bigotry... and an almost fanatical devotion to ki. Our FOUR... no... AMONGST_ our subjects... Amongst our subjectry... are such elements as Steven Seagal, gun control... I'll come in again.
[The War exits]
On Mon, 6 Mar 2000 DDBunnell@AOL.COM wrote:
> There are many definitions of prejudice in the dictionary but the one
> that I feel fits the tone of this thread is: An irrational attitude of
> hostility directed against an individual, a group. a race, or their
> supposed charactoristics.
[JARRING CHORD]
Clausen: NOBODY expects an Aikido-L War! Amongst our subjectry are such diverse elements as: Steven Seagal, gun control, bigotry, and an almost fanatical devoption to ki, and nice black and white uniforms. Oh damn! [To Yudansha Vasilev] I can't say it - you'll have to say it.
Vasilev: What the f--k, babe?
Clausen: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief subjects are...'
Vasilev: [rather horrified]: Sh--, I couldn't do that...
[Clausen bundles the Aikido-L yudansha outside again]
[The Yudansha enter]
Vasilev: Er.... Nobody... ohmm....
Clausen: Expects...
Vasillev: Expects... Nobody expects the... ohmmm ... the Aikido-L... ohmmm...
Clausen: War.
Vasilev: F--k! I know, I know! Nobody expects an Aikido-L War. In fact, those fruities who do expect -
Clausen: Our chief subjects are...
Vasilev: Our chief subjects are... ohmmmm... er...
Clausen: Steven Seagal...
Vasilev: Steven Seagal and --
Clausen: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ... our chief subjects are surprise...blah blah blah. Yudansha, read the charges.
Akiyama: Folks, you are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the General Populace of Aikido-L. 'Emily Postnews said follow the--'
Vasilev: That's enough, babe. [To DDBunnell@AOL.COM, MIKE.VMS@OMNIPHILE.COM, et al] Now, how do you plead?
DDBunnell, MIKE.VMS, et al: We're innocent.
Clausen: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]
Vasilev: We'll soon change your mind about that, babe!
[DIABOLICAL ACTING]
Clausen: Steven Seagal, gun control, and a most ruthless-- [controls himself with a supreme effort] Ooooh! Now, Cardinal -- the rack!
[Vasilev produces a box full of Bu Jin Design 100% cotton hakama (hak). Clausen looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger]
Clausen: You....Right! Tie them down.
[Vasilev and Akiyama make a pathetic attempt to tie on the hakama onto DDBunnell, MIKE.VMS, et al]
Clausen: Right! How do you plead?
DDBunnell, MIKE.VMS, et al: Innocent.
Clausen: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the hak [oh dear] give the hak a turn.
[Vasilev stands there awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders]
Vasilev: I....
Clausen: [gritting his teeth] I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.
Vasilev: I...
Clausen: It makes it all seem so stupid.
Vasilev: Shall I...?
Clausen: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!
[Vasilev pulls at an imaginary obi end on the side of a hakama]
[CUT TO NEW SKETCH]
71021.744@COMPUSERVE.COM: This is Uncle Chuck in front of the
Dojo. (She hands over the photo and tx_terakian@YAHOO.COM tears it
up.)
This is Uncle Chuck at the back of the Dojo. (She hands over the
photo and tx_terakian@YAHOO.COM tears it up.)
And this is Uncle Chuck
at the side of the Dojo (She hands over the photo and
tx_terakian@YAHOO.COM tears it up.)
This is Uncle Chuck, back again
at the front of the Dojo, but you can see the side of the Dojo. (She
hands over the photo and tx_terakian@YAHOO.COM the young lady tears it
up.)
And this is Uncle Chuck even nearer the side of the Dojo, but you
can still see the front. (She hands over the photo and
tx_terakian@YAHOO.COM tears it up.)
This is the back of the Dojo, with
Uncle Chuck coming round the side to the front. (She hands over the
photo and tx_terakian@YAHOO.COM tears it up.)
And this is an Aikido-L
War hiding behind the weapons rack. (tx_terakian@YAHOO.COM takes it
with the first sign of real interest.)
tx_terakian@YAHOO.COM: Oh! I didn't expect an Aikido-L War.
[JARRING CHORD]
[The door flies open and Clausen, Akiyama and Vasilev enter.]
Clausen: Nobody expects an Aikido-L War!
[Cut to film: moving over Rendezvous of Adventure clips of O sensei; epic film music.]
Voice Over: 'IN THE EARLY YEARS OF THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY, TO COMBAT THE RISING TIDE OF ON-TOPIC SUBJECTS, THE KAISO GAVE YUDANSHA CLAUSEN OF NORWAY LEAVE TO MOVE WITHOUT LET OR HINDRANCE THROUGHOUT THE LIST, IN A REIGN OF VIOLENCE, TERROR AND TORTURE THAT MAKES A SMASHING FILM. THIS WAS AN Aikido-L FLAME WAR . . .'
[Torchlit dojo. We hear clanging ukemi. The ukemi stops and the keys jangle. The great door creaks open and Clausen walks in and looks round approvingly. Vasilev and Akiyama enter behind pushing in the dear lady. They chain her to the shomen.]
Clausen: Now, dear lady -- you are accused of heresy on three counts -- heresy by e-mail, heresy by your website, heresy by your fax number, and heresy by your toll-free number -- *four* counts. Do you confess?
71021.744@COMPUSERVE.COM: I don't understand what I'm accused of.
Clausen: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Vasilev! Fetch...THE FUKURO SHINAI!
[JARRING CHORD]
[Vasilev holds out two nicely padded fukuro shinai]
Vasilev: Here they are, babe.
Clausen: Now, dear lady -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly -- *two* last chances. And you shall be free -- *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.
71021.744@COMPUSERVE.COM: I don't know what you're talking about.
Clausen: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Yudansha! Bop her with the fukuro shinai!
[Vasilev carries out this rather pathetic torture. One of the shinai breaks on her shoulder.]
Clausen: Confess! Confess! Confess!
Vasilev: It doesn't seem to be hurting her, lord.
Clausen: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?
Vasilev: Yes, lord.
Clausen [angrily hurling away the fukuro shinai]: Hm! She is made of harder stuff! Cardinal Akiyama! Fetch...THE COMFY DOGI!
[JARRING CHORD]
[Zoom into Akiyama's horrified face]
Akiyama [terrified]: The... Comfy DOGI?
[Vasilev brings in a comfy dogi on a wooden hanger -- a perfectly white, nicely worn, really soft one]
Clausen: So you think you are strong because you can survive the fukuro shinai. Well, we shall see. Vasilev! Put her in the Comfy Dogi!
[They roughly put the Comfy Dogi on her]
Clausen [with a cruel leer]: Now -- you will wear the Comfy Dogi until after your Ki Development class, with only some yummy Chinese food afterwards. [aside, to Vasilev] Is that really all it is?
Vasilev: Yes, babe.
Clausen: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess
Vasilev: I confess! I love tofu!